The Muslim Wedding Dilemma

Disclaimer: Though I am not a descendant from the Indo-Paki-Bengali ethnicity, growing up in a supremely Desi community, as well as marrying a Bengali sister has given me keen insight into the ideology and methodology of Desi weddings – perhaps an insight even more accurate due to my relative objectivity. That being said, please take the following article for what it is: observations and analysis. Feel free to add any points or discuss anything mentioned, jazakum Allahu khayran.

It’s July 12th.

You know what that means.

We’re half way through a summer of Desi weddings, or as it’s more famously known, “shadi season.” The planning, the relatives, the clothes, and (most importantly to some) the food. It sounds like a blast, and sometimes it is. But a lot of the times, unfortunately, many of us are faced with difficult decisions – whether we’re the groom/bride to be, or guests in attendance – of what to do about un-Islamic practices that are bound to go down.

But what do you mean by un-Islamic practices?

Simply put, what I include under the banner of un-Islamic practices are actions and ideas that are contradictory to Islamic law, or done in the name of Islam with no support from the Quran or the Sunnah. These practices can be ethnically developed, transplanted from other religions, or even get to be so minute as family specific traditions passed on from generations. I don’t consider myself extremely conservative by any means, but practices like listening to music, mixing between the genders, and dancing most definitely fall into this category.

Woah! You aren’t cool with music, gender mixing, or dancing at weddings?

Well, let’s start with music. Leaving all arguments aside of whether music is allowed or not, we can all agree that music with haram-provoking lyrics are definitely not allowed in Islam. Now, I can’t understand hindi, urdu, or bangla, but from what my wife tells me, a lot of these songs talk about a romanticized experience of love, using verbage that can lead to some pretty crazy ideas from the young men in the room, as well as the young women. Talking about being obsessed (ishq, anyone?) with someone in a way that they take up your entire life is not healthy spiritually, and is also pretty creepy psychologically.

Add on to that, the different ahadith about music, it’s consequences and negative effects, then it seems like it’d be a no-brainer to leave out the music.

Okay, maybe I can understand the no music part. But what about mixing? I mean, generally, we mix all the time! Grocery store, school, at the park, etc.

Simply put, believing men and women (that’s you and I, brothers and sisters) need to lower our gazes. We shouldn’t put ourselves in situations where we know we’re going to be tempted to look up and check someone out, straight up. The difference between mixing at a wedding and mixing at a store or at school is the T.O.P., or time of preparation. Guests attending the wedding take quite a long time getting ready and making sure that they’re going to look their best – and why shouldn’t they? It’s a happy occasion to celebrate, and getting dressed up is a huge part of the fun. But looking foiiine and walking around in front of the opposite gender can do a couple of negative things.

First, what it can do is cause temptation for you to be looked at, thus making it hard on people to lower their gaze. This situation isn’t good for the heart and for the believer’s connection to Allah, as Imam Shafi’i mentioned in his famous poem to his teacher about having a weak memory from seeing a woman at the market (on accident, of course).

Secondly, this situation can put couples in an awkward situation, especially husbands with their wives. Of course, us husbands want our wives to get all done up and have a good time – they deserve it! But the last thing any brother would want is for their wife to take an hour beautifying herself, and then be in an environment where she’s open to stare at in a mixed wedding – it’s human nature. Part of our responsibility as Muslim husbands is to ensure the safety of our wives, and part of ensuring safety is to make sure that she’s not eye-candy for another person with weak control of their gaze.

By the way, wives get upset too, brothers! After wearing the same clothes for weeks, it’s nice for them to see us in a suit once in a while, and the last thing they want is for other sisters to be checking out their man! Thus, having the gender-separated wedding makes things easier for all, spiritually by facilitating lowering of the gaze, physically by allowing the sisters to wear some nicer clothes and possibly do their hair, and emotionally by preserving the sacred protection that the spouses should have over one another.

Ah, gotcha. But dude, what’s wrong with a little dance to celebrate the marriage?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with dancing at a wedding. As long as a couple of conditions are followed. Firstly, the music that is being danced to should be considered halal, and while those criterion are left up to the scholars of Islam, the safest bet is verbal nasheed that use the duff/percussion instrument, Allahu alam.

Secondly, the genders should be separated, particularly the women if they want to break it down and dance on their side. No harm no foul, just make sure that brothers can’t see you, sisters.

And thirdly, the brothers and sisters should maintain haya while dancing, even in their own gender-specific sections. No lewd motions, no weird moves that someone imported from the club, just keep it clean and safe – and please, don’t pull your back out, uncles.

With all being said and done, I’ve attended a fair few amount of weddings these past few years that didn’t quite live up to these standards in term of Islamic compliance. Some of you may have experienced similar weddings, and may have questions on whether or not to attend. Again, coming from your brother in Islam and not a scholar of the religion, my best advice is to weigh the situation and try your best to avoid anything Allah will be displeased with. The minimum is to show up to respond to the invitation (per the sunnah of receiving wedding invites) and say salaams and congratulations to the bride and/or groom. This is probably the best compromise of a situation where there is pressure on you to attend, but you don’t feel all the comfortable being in the environment that the wedding party is going to produce.

That being said, there should be an effort to stand up for what is right, as least to mention it to the relevant parties. If your parents want you to do unlawful acts at your wedding, then mention to them the excerpts from the Quran and the Sunnah that advise against it, as well as mention opinions of top scholars that talk about the issue. If your family is invited to a wedding party, and you know that shady stuff is going to go down, then bring up your concerns to them in light of the Qur’an and the Sunnah in order to give them information from the revelation that will cause a transformation in their hearts.

If neither tactic works, and you are forced to have an un-Islamic wedding or to attend one, ask Allah for forgiveness and try your best to stay away from all things un-Islamic (for example, sit in the lobby, call some old friends you haven’t heard from, etc). Remember that you can always be diplomatic and still stick to your principles as well. There’s no point in sacrificing your beliefs for public opinion when on the Day of Judgment, it’s Allah’s opinion of you that counts, and not the public’s.