A Forgotten Sunnah - A Way To Help Muslim Youth
I’m sure that the slew of wedding invitations our families receive during wedding season every year has engrained the translation of 30:21, from Surat ar-Room, into our minds:
“And among His Signs is this: that He [Allah] created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find tranquility in them, and He has put between you love and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” 30:21
What is love? Nowadays, this question is a confusing one to answer. In the media, there is not one television show or movie that will be produced without a love story intertwined with the plot; particularly in the ever-so-popular “Bollywood” culture, viewers are taught that “life is all about love” and that “love is a struggle, and is satisfied through physical means.” Although one of the ways love can be expressed is through intimate and physical ways, Allah [swt] tells us the main purpose of love and marriage, the purpose that He defines in His holy book.
In this verse, Allah [swt] is informing us that one of the signs of His existence is this feeling in our hearts towards our beloved – a feeling that is completely natural and positive. In our spouses, he says, we should find peace– this love, Allah is saying, is a method for us to gain tranquility in our hearts. This, as made clear by the Qur’an, is the main purpose that Allah created the holy union of marriage – for two people to love, enjoy, and ultimately find peace and happiness within one another. I’m sure all of the people reading this who happen to be in love, whether with a spouse of a fiancé, can testify to the detail in which the Qur’an describes the feelings In your hearts when you see, talk to, or spend time with your loved one. You know that feeling I’m talking about, right? Right.
So that’s it then. Grow up, get your degree, make money, buy a house, buy a car, get a wife and then experience that tranquility by the time you’re 30 years old. Sound good?
Not quite.
With a growing Muslim population in the United States, the chances of a person finding a potential spouse in college are extremely high. But what if the couple is not quite ready financially, but they also don’t want to lose the opportunity of being together and hanging out with each other on campus, or even off campus without a guardian? That’s a good question, and Alhamdulilah, there is an even better answer; as with everything else, Allah provides a way that He approves of to begin to establish the peace and tranquility between two hearts – a way which is healthy, practical, Islamic, but seldom-used.
Allah provides a pathway for two people who are connected through love to establish a bond that is halal and allows them enjoy each others company with a couple rules and regulations. In this stage of marriage known as Nikkah , or more commonly in Arabic as Katib ul-Kitaab, the couple is married and able to spend time with each other, just as a normal husband and wife. The regulation, however, is that there is an agreement that the couple will not consummate the marriage with intercourse until the husband can fully support the wife and the prospective family. This is the only real regulation in Nikkah; anything else is treated just as a normal married couple – they are allowed to see each other alone by going out to dinner, watching a movie, going to the Masjid etc. Thus the Nikkah/Katib ul-Kitaab is a great alternative for young Muslims who don’t yet have the financially stability to support a family, but will in the near future. Through this, the bond of marriage is established, and the love, peace, and tranquility can be experienced and felt, just how Allah [swt] wants it, and without risking starting a family prematurely.
The need for companionship among young Muslim adults is great, especially in a society where the youth are being bombarded with tests on a daily basis. This natural, innate need for a connection with a spouse – a need that Allah created us with – should be facilitated and taken seriously. Not being able to support a family should not be a reason for two people not to consider marriage. If Allah [swt] presents us with a way through which there can be halal union for Muslims who are in the midst of seeking their professional goals, shouldn’t it be considered, rather than the idea of marriage being dismissed altogether? There is a reason and a practicality in everything that Allah [swt] blessed us with – the reason is clear, and the practicality is obvious. This blessing, if used properly with wisdom, can save the Muslim youth from a growing disease immorality and temptation. It’s up to us to use it and save our youth.
Note: Not every person who believes that they are ready for marriage is, in fact, ready for marriage. Run through the checklist below with your parents and a local scholar to put the idea of marriage into perspective.
1. Do research on the potential spouse – their deen, their characteristics, their future plans – make sure you both are compatible. Your local scholar should have some ideas or a questionnaire you can answer to figure these things out.
2. Make a roadmap of how you want to get better in your deen. Is this person holding you back, or is this person going to help you along the way? Remember, out of the 4 characteristics the Prophet [saw] said are looked for in a wife - deen, beauty, wealth, status - deen was the characteristic, he advised, a person should be married for.
3. Realize that marriage is not a game. Once you’re married, you’re married. There’s no reset button, and divorce is not as easy or convenient as it’s shown to be.
4. Are your families compatible? Is there a bond/friendship that can be made between to two families? This doesn’t have to be ethnically or culturally, especially living in a mixed community like the United States.
5. Last, but definitely not least, pray istikhaara (prayer of guidance) to Allah [swt]. MakeDua has the dua and it’s translation online, so you can ask Allah [swt] to guide you to what is best. Keep in mind that while you may think someone is good for you, Allah [swt] knows that they are not – remember that Allah is the All Wise, and He only wants the best for you and the prospective spouse.
P.S. Shaykh Yaser Birjas wrote an extremely helpful article about Nikkah, explaining the ideas and Islamic rulings that go along with it. Check it out here.
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7 Responses to “A Forgotten Sunnah - A Way To Help Muslim Youth”
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masha’allah. tank you very much!
By the way, shaykh Yaser is doing a talk at Orland Park tomorrow on marriage (spousal rights and responsibilities), so if any want to attend, go ahead.
Siraaj
Ar-Rad is 13th Surah of Quran , not 30 =) (u r referring to Surah Ar-Room?)
Jazak Allah khayr for lookin out :-), I appreciate the correction.
Salaam,
JazakAllah for this great article; its a great reminder of the importance and values of a marriage for us young Muslims here in the West.
One question: While doing your research, did you come across how this Sunnah can be avoided from being used as an excuse for a Muslim couple to date? In other words, couldn’t 2 people, who think they are compatible, perform Katib ul-Kitaab (without the general public knowing), but then several months later realize that its not going to work out and then ‘talaaq’. You are right that divorce is not as easy it is seems, but it can be a lot easier when there are no kids, money, and community involved…
Again thanks for the article…just wanted to see if you clear this issue for me….jazakAllah
Fahad,
One of the conditions of marriage is that it must be made public. It cannot be hidden from people in any way, shape or form. That in itself should solve the issue that you brought up. As far as I’ve learned from Yaser Birjas in his Love Notes class (AlMaghrib) is that there isn’t like a litmus test to find out if the couple is doing it for the right reasons. Really, it’s up to them - the fact that this is real marriage and not just a game needs to be stressed to people.
Also, if divorce is seen as such an easy escape, it will have to be made known when they are being interviewed for their next possible marriage - the interested family generally has the right to ask if the guy/girl was previously married, and to inquire about other information regarding that relationship, and the family being asked must answer honestly.
There is an opportunity, through engagement, for the couple to get to know one another in a moderated fashion. In Islamic law, the father/brother/wali doesn’t need to necessarily hear what the potential couple is talking about, he just needs to make sure physical boundaries aren’t crossed and that modesty is maintained in interaction. For example, if you wanted to get to know a girl over the course of a couple months, you could take her out to dinner every week or every other week, with her father and mother. The parents could sit at a table which was in the immediate vicinity, while you and the sister could discuss Islam, school, life, any issues that you guys wanna talk about to get to know each other. All of this is what I was taught by Yaser Birjas, Abdallah Idris Ali, Abdool Rahman Khan, so feel secure: I’m not pulling this out of thin air. A lot of cultures misinterpret engagement, however, so that it allows the couple to go out and essentially date just as any other boyfriend or girlfriend would date another person - touching and everything included. This is obviously not correct.
There is a trend of people getting the Katb al-Kitaab done and not even lasting a couple months. While a small percentage of these are unavoidable, a strong majority of them could’ve been avoided in the first place if the families took the time to research the other family and prospective spouse, through the engagement chill dates that could lawfully be set up.
I hope that answers your questions insha Allah, if it doesn’t then feel free to contact a qualified scholar, or I could ask Abdool Rahman Khan for you insha Allah :-), he’s right down the street.
Allah knows best,
Wassalamu alaykum
Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatu. I have tried to argue this point with some Salafi brothers. With the Ayahs mentioned above Surah Ar-Rum chapt 30 ayah 21 and also I have quoted from Surah Al Baqarah chapt 2 ayah 235
There is no blame on you if ye make an offer of betrothal or hold it in your hearts. Allah knows that ye cherish them in your hearts; But do not make a secret contract with them except in terms honorable, nor resolve on the tie of marriage till the term prescribed is fulfilled. And know that Allah knoweth what is in your hearts, and take heed of Him; and know that Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing.
However these brothers bring Quranic verses condemning adultery which has got nothing to do with Nikkah what so ever and condemn me with it… What should i do?